I am fascinated by the range of emotions I hear from people returning to work (RTW) after parental leave, and I know my own experience was the same, switching from excitement to apprehension to trepidation. The most common I hear, and that I also experienced significantly, is guilt about juggling multiple demands of children, work, partner, being healthy etc...
Returning to work after a child doesn’t make you a bad parent and it doesn’t mean the end of your career. That sounds obvious but it is possible to spiral into either perspective without some conscious challenging of your thoughts. Returning to work is more effective if you spend some time consciously thinking about realistic ways to manage those competing commitments.
Key points that have emerged to smooth the transition and help manage guilt with my RTW clients include:
1. Constructively engage with your employer (if you have one) about how both parties can work together to enable an effective transition. Most employers want to help parents return well, while also juggling the needs of the business. Having an open conversation reduces risk of either side making erroneous assumptions and stops resentment building. Having these conversations before, during and at the end of parental leave can smooth the process, but if you prefer to wait until later in your parental leave that’s fine.
2. Clearly define then actively managing realistic boundaries and goals. You are human, so define goals and boundaries that are humanly viable and own them. That gives you a framework to operate in and something to refer to when guilty feelings start pushing you to stretch yourself too thinly. Sometimes boundaries have to be flexed which is fine – but make it a conscious deviation and monitor how frequently it happens. If you are constantly flexing, it may not be sustainable for your wellbeing and for those around you – so revisit if needed but avoid just letting things slide.
3. Recognise that you help everyone when you take time for yourself. Whether it is meeting an old friend, doing exercise, listening to music, whatever it is, carve time out for yourself to do it. I know stressed parents hate hearing that, but honestly it can be done. The oxygen mask analogy is a common one but recently I saw the equivalent analogy of filling your own watering can first to then nourish others which is a much more positive image. If it helps with the guilt then remember, you will be a better person for yourself and those around you if you take time out!
If you believe you don’t have any time then really challenge the underlying beliefs and behaviours driving those barriers and identify what behavioural nudges will get you back on track. For me it is getting my morning running gear ready the night before, diarising me-time at the start of the week and agreeing that schedule with my husband. I also aim to meet friends at least once a week, then I don’t feel guilty doing it and I know that exercise and time with friends makes me a better parent and colleague - and stops me feeling like a martyr!
4. Share the workload - it takes a village (or at least a team) to raise a child. Don’t take it all on yourself. If you have a partner, make sure the parenting load is properly shared. Challenge assumptions, including your own, on who steps in most in the ‘work/ parent overlap’ such as nursery pick-ups. It surprises me when I hear (generally) women with comparable careers to their (generally male) partners disproportionately compromising. We aren’t in the 60s anymore. That shared parenting can also mean surrendering any fixed ideas you personally have about how parenting ‘must’ be done and enabling your partner to take ownership in their own way! The same applies to support from wider family and friends. Whether you are co-parenting or single-parenting then build that wider village. While it is nice to feel needed, children really benefit from a range of role-models and perspectives.
5. Remember the transition back doesn’t reflect a permanent working state. Give yourself at least 6 months to a year to settle into the new routine and work out which way is up. This may mean you want to dial back some of the big new work commitments, or you may just want to dive in as much as possible. Either is fine but remember any compromises you make now don’t have to be permanent ones and the needs of yourself and those around you will change over time. This point ties in with the first one on constructively engaging with your employer throughout.
Having both a family and a career can be hugely satisfying and give a fantastic sense of purpose and meaning. It is also a juggle and can be really challenging. A few relatively small shifts in how we think about our approach and engagement with others can make material differences in managing guilt and effectively transitioning back to a successful and balanced career.
If you would like to discuss any of the points above and how to manage an effective return to work for yourself or your employees then I would love to hear from you at helen.brooks@brookscoaching.net.
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